Present day:
The phone rang when she was in the middle of a crucial meeting in the office. Normally she would have ignored it but the caller identity had jolted her. "why is he calling after all these years?", she wondered. For a few moments she debated with herself whether to pick up the phone or not.
She excused herself from the meeting to take that call, curiosity more than anything else prompting her actions.
"Hello", she said
"Hello', he replied, and after a pregnant pause said, "it's me". How can I possibly forget your voice even after all these years, she wondered to herself.
"what can I do for you", she asked formally.
"sorry to bother you but I have a huge favor to ask of you"' he said somewhat hesitantly.
Now what, she wondered, hasn't he already taken as much as he can from me all those years ago. "what is it?", she asked cautiously.
"my mother is not well at all. she is seriously sick. she wants to meet you. can you come to Lahore soon?" he asked.
"I know I don't deserve this favor but consider it my mother's dying wish", he added.
She was quite taken aback by this request. Although the rare occasions on which she had met his mother had been quite cordial and enjoyable experiences, but she still failed to understand why a dying woman would want to see her, a girl living almost 400 kilometers away in another city.
"I don't know what to say. This is quite unexpected for me", she hedged.
"I can understand that but please I request you to please consider her wish", he pleaded. "I don't know why she wants to see you but she has been asking about you persistently for the past few days."
"Hmmm, let me think about it. I will let you know", she ended the call on that note.
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It was Friday today, two days after the phone call, and she took off from work after lunch and found herself driving on the motorway towards Lahore. She had a long debate with herself about the wisdom of accepting his request. As usual the battle was between her heart and mind: a war that has been going on for decades now, with as usual no clear winner in sight. Her mind was categorically against the idea whereas her heart was flirting with the notion, just like in the past. The final deciding factor was the fact that he had said that his mother was dying; In the end she was unable to deny a dying woman her wish.
Long drives always soothed her. With her kind of music blaring from the speakers at high volume, she was always able to think and contemplate. And today was no different, with the car hurtling at a speed of 120 Km/hour her mind also took her back 10 years.
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A trip down memory lane
10 years ago:
She rushed through the traffic in order to get to the office on time. There were some senior people over from Lahore office on a 3 days official visit and she had already missed the first day yesterday as she taken the day off. Thank God I have reached on time, she congratulated herself while parking her car in front of the office. It wouldn't look good to be tardy in front of the regional bosses, she again berated herself.
"Rania, did you meet a Hussain when you went to Lahore office five months ago?", asked her colleague Sakina. "Yeah, briefly.", she replied while settling down at her desk. She vaguely recalled a tall guy with intense tawny eyes whom she had met very briefly in Lahore office few months back. It was a hurried visit so she did not have time to sit and chat with anyone for long.
" Well he is here since yesterday with his team and has been conducting interviews", Sakina said with a keen sparkle in her eyes.
"Interviews? what interviews?", she asked.
"Apparently the preparations for the Islamabad launch has begun. He is here to hire the new project team.", Sakina elaborated.
Just as they were talking the front door of the hall opened and she glanced towards it. Hussain entered with a couple of other guys. And at that moment she had no idea what happened but it seemed that time stopped for a few seconds and everything went into a slow motion. He was laughing with a colleague and her gaze became fixed on him. It was momentary, but then she shook herself out of it, mentally laughing at her own silliness.
She got down to work. It was a busy day at the office with the regional bosses around and the interview candidates teeming the reception area. At around 11:00 am she glanced up to see Hussain sitting in front of her.
"Hello, I believe we have met before", he said conversationally. He really has what she called tiger eyes, she observed.
"Ahem. in Lahore.", she nodded.
"where can I get a cup of coffee here?", he asked. "Well, coffee will be difficult as we mostly have tea drinkers here", she ventured.
"Fine then tea it is please", he requested. She ordered tea for him through the intercom.
That was the sum total of their interaction that day. He got back to interviewing people which went on till very late in the evening. She got busy in her own work and the day passed by quickly.
The next day in the office was very quiet or so it felt like after yesterday, she thought to herself. The bigwigs from Lahore were also no where to be seen when she got in the next morning. Things seemed back to normal.
An hour before lunch Hussain walked in and came straight to her desk, plopping down on the chair in front of her. Sakina who was sitting next to her looked at him flirtatiously and said " can I ask you something?", she asked. After getting the nod from him she further asked "what is your star?".
Rania mentally rolled her eyes at the question as she knew that Sakina loved to flirt and especially with guys whom she thought could be good prospects. Here starts the flirting, she thought, and I will have to bear through it as he is sitting in front of me.
"what do you think my star is?" Hussain evaded the question good naturedly. "Scorpio", Sakina quipped.
"now how did you know that is my star?!", Hussain answered flirtatiously. Sakina just smiled coyly in response.
Then he turned towards Rania and asked "what is your star?". She looked him squarely in the eyes and replied a tad sarcastically "what do you think my star is?". he seemed a little taken aback with my mirror response for a moment, but then recovered quickly.
This triangular bantering went on for a little while, until he left for Lahore.
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Two steps forward one step back
For the next few months Hussain was a regular visitor in Islamabad office as he had to set up the complete pre-launch team. He and Rania became friends over the course of time. He was an intelligent, sharp guy who was very well read and a great conversationalist. He had a magnetism about him which drew people to him especially women. Although Rania herself was a very well balanced and intelligent woman who preferred intelligence over beauty but she was also not immune to his aura.
As they got closer she realized that for the first time in her life she was falling in love. She had never been the one to flirt with guys even in her college and university days. She was always very focused at the task at hand, whatever that may be at that time. Some people might call it boring but she did not care as she knew what she wanted in life.
It was a new experience for her to feel this deeply and passionately for someone. At the beginning she just savored the sensations and let it run its course. However she was too shy to put it into words in front of him. To her he also seemed interested in her as they became really close in the coming months.
For most of the time she was convinced that he felt the same way as she did. But she was too afraid to ask him about it. Hers was a young love felt for the very first time and she was nurturing that love like a new born child; she was unable and unwilling to let that love get hurt. So she kept on foolishly protecting her heart and not paying heed to her mind which was urging her to take the risk and talk to him.
There were times when she felt that something was holding him back. He was also a darkly intense person who, it seemed to her, had a dark side that he was unwilling to share with her. The mystery of him just intensified his appeal. At times he looked like as he was nursing some deep wound in his soul which no matter how much she tried, was unable to reach.
Their relationship, if it could be called that, was like a salsa dance: two steps forward, one back. He never told her how he actually felt about her and their relationship was progressing under the guise of being the "best of friends". It was also a long distance thing as they were both living in different cities.
He did tell her that he was an only child and that his father had passed away when he was 11 years old. He was very cautious when he talked about his mother not divulging much. His mother seemed like a strong lady who had single handedly raised a son. He was a very obedient son and always did what she asked.
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The Mother ship
Months turned into years and they continued as it is. He never ventured beyond being "best friends" and she never challenged the status quo. Logically she knew that this will not continue forever and something got to give at some point but her heart was hoping against hope.
Then one day she met his mother.
She was in Karachi on an official trip and coincidentally he was also there with his mother visiting some friends of hers.
"I want you to meet my mother", he told her over the phone. Her heart skipped a beat as she thought, finally the time has come. Previously she had visited him many times in Lahore over the years and he had never showed any inclination for the two of them to meet.
"Sure, I would love to", she said, "I will be done from my meeting by 5 pm. We can meet in the evening".
"Ok. But there will be Ammi's family friends as well with us. I hope that is ok with you?", he asked.
"Family friends hmmmm.... tell me about them", Rania queried.
"Well aunty is Ammi's old friend from years back. It will be her, her son Saad and then her daughters or at least the eldest one Amina. I have also met them for the first time on this trip. They are really nice people. Have been taking us sight seeing and shopping.", he explained.
"That's nice", she hedged, not sure she was comfortable meeting his mother for the first time in front of all these strangers.
"you will like them", he cajoled, "it will be fun, you will see."
"hmmm...okay." she agreed.
Later that evening she met his mother for the first time.
His mother had a lively personality. She was like a diva full of contradictions and pizzazz. Rania was pleasantly surprised as somehow she had formed a picture of a solemn, sober widowed matriarch who would be a serious conversationalist.
"I am so glad to meet you finally", his mother said, "have heard so much about you". Rania was a little taken aback with this first intro as she always thought that Hussain never talked about her with his mother.
"She has also heard a lot about you Ammi." Hussain quipped.
"You are saying this", his mother responded mischievously, " she hasn't said it so I will not believe your word".
"Nahin nahin Aunty, he is right. I have heard a lot about you" Rania interjected hurriedly, "Hussain is always telling me about you."
This set the tone for the rest of the interactions with his mother for the next 5 days. Rania was highly amused to find out that Hussain's mother was a big Salman Khan (Indian movie star) fan and that she had dragged everyone to see one of his movies, much to Hussain's chargain. Her favorite song was Shakira's "hips don't lie". Her personality was totally opposite to her son's. She was vivacious where he was serious, she was sometimes loud where he liked to be quiet and sober. She was definitely more fun loving than him and embraced life with a twinkle in her eye and smile on her lips.
The family friends turned out to be fun as well. Her mother's friend was just like her, full of life and laughter. Saad and Amina were also very fun and cordial people. Amina was particularly close to Hussain's mother and the two of them would often go shopping in the afternoons together. They enjoyed the same taste in movies and music as well.
"So how many people are there in your house?", his mother asked Rania on the last day.
"It's just me and my mother", she replied.
" No siblings?"
"none", she replied again
" It must have been difficult for your mother to manage things on her own", his mother mused.
Rania nodded silently.
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Back to the Present:
A loud horn jolted her out of her memories. She quickly gave way to the impatient car behind her and shook herself out of her reverie.
Well it's all water under the bridge now, she thought, I am just going there more out of curiosity and empathy then anything else. Let's see where this altruism lands me.
She finally managed to enter Lahore and found herself driving towards his house. She was both nervous and apprehensive about this meeting after so many years. She wasn't sure about her own first reaction on seeing him again. Although time had healed somewhat but very occasionally she did wonder about the unanswered questions that he had left behind in his wake.
She rang the bell and waited politely. She remembered Hussain had once told him that they had a butler of sorts in his house who looked after the house affairs. Waiting for the butler to open the door, she was caught off guard when Hussain opened the door himself.
For a very long moment they just looked at each other. Old memories once again came rushing back to her. She remembered how she used to feel butterflies in her stomach whenever they met. The light giddy feeling at that time would always affirm to her the depth of her own feelings for him. However the absence of that butterfly effect was quite stark this time. She did not feel anything at all. This absence in itself brought a calmness to her and she took a deep breath.
Time had not been kind to him. He looked gaunt and stressed with much more grey hair then she remembered. Maybe his mother's illness had brought him to this point, she wondered.
"Assalaam o Alaikum", he greeted, "please come in".
She walked into a huge foyer with a delicate chandelier.
"I can't thank you enough for your kindness", he started, "I wasn't sure if you would come or not and Ammi has been constantly asking about you. Thank you so much for coming all the way".
"I couldn't deny a dying woman her wish", she said simply.
"I understand. I know you have come for Ammi. You were always kindhearted",
And yet you were unkind to me in the end, she thought. "Shall we go see her", she replied instead. Surprisingly she was not inclined at all to linger in his company. It was a complete contrast to previous times when she would sit for hours with him and they would talk about everything or anything under the sun.
His mother's room smelled strongly of disinfectant. The room has been converted into a semi hospital room with adjustable bed, IV drip and oxygen tank. A heart monitor was also beeping quietly in the corner.
Rania walked up to the bed and was shocked to see his mother's condition. She was a skeleton of her old self. With pale skin, coarse hair and sunken eyes she was unrecognizable. Gone was the vivaciousness and sparkle.
"Ammi", Hussain nudged gently, " Ammi look who is here".
She opened her eyes with much difficulty and tried to focus in the direction her son was pointing towards. Rania stepped closer to give her a better line of sight.
"Rania?", she questioned after some time, " Rania is that really you?".
Suddenly she started to cry loudly. The pitch of her cries was in contrast to her weak appearance. It seemed she was opening a long barred floodgate.
"Forgive me Rania, please forgive me. I have wronged you greatly", she wailed. " I have broken your heart and I know Allah will never forgive me for this."
"Please Aunty, don't say that", She cajoled, " you have not done anything to me".
"Oh yes but I have", she interjected strongly, " I knew you and Hussain loved each other but I disrespected that love and tossed it aside. I know you think Hussain is the one who has betrayed you. But it was me, always me".
Rania was pained to hear this blunt confession. It threatened to open old wounds which she was not willing to expose anymore.
"I became selfish and self centered."
"You see Rania, Hussain is not my real son. He is adopted", she revealed haltingly. " I was unable to bear children and my late husband one day decided to adopt a child. As destiny would have it Hussain's parents, who were our very close friends, died in a plane crash shortly afterwards. None of Hussain's real relatives were willing to take him in. He was two years old at that time. My husband and I then decided to adopt him and give him a place in our home and hearts".
"In the beginning it was just the three of us and then for years it was just the two of us when my husband also passed away. Over time I became extremely possessive about him." she continued weakly. " He was always a very obedient son, always. Never refused me anything".
"Baba, baba!", just then a five year old stormed into the room and straight into Hussain's arms.
"did you finish your homework?", Hussain asked lovingly of the child.
Although Rania knew about Hussain's children but it was an emotional blow to see his first born for the first time. The child represented lost opportunities of her life.
"Aliyzeh come back and finish your homework", Amina walked into the room after the child. She hesitated after seeing Rania and then greeted her pleasantly.
"Hello Rania, I am glad to see that you came". " Come Aliyzeh, we should leave baba alone with dadi and aunty. They have some important stuff to discuss." Amina whisked the child away.
Rania was going through a roller coaster of emotions. Aunty's confession, Aliyzeh and coming face to face with Amina was getting too much for her. She wanted to rush out of the room.
She stood up to leave the room but Hussain's mother held her hand. " I made him choose between you and me", she said, " Amina was my choice, I emotionally blackmailed him and made him bow towards my choice. I didn't have anything against you personally but I just could not bear him loving anyone more than me. It was unacceptable to me. Please forgive me".
Rania took a calming breath and squeezed his mother's hand. "It's ok Aunty. All of this does not matter anymore. Years have passed and I have moved on."
"But please forgive me still", the frail woman insisted, "It is a heavy burden on my heart which can only be eased if you forgive me". She pleaded.
"I forgive you", said Rania.
On that note she gently extracted her hand from her grasp and walked out of the room. The peaceful look on his mother's face stayed with her for a while.
She remembered how years ago one fine day a common friend had passingly told her about Hussain's marriage. To say she was shocked was an understatement. They were still in touch and Hussain had never once hinted otherwise. He never once told her about his wedding. She was hurt beyond belief.
She always considered them to be the best of friends at the very least. Although he had never confessed his love to her ever but she was hundred percent confident of the fact that at least they were the best of friends to each other and that the trust between them was invincible. It was brutal to have that trust shattered so callously one fine day. It was heart breaking to realize that he did not even think her worthy of being part of his happiness. Had he told her she would have wished him well despite everything. She always wondered why he never told her himself.
She had not demanded any explanation from him. And till this date he never gave any explanation. All she did was send him a text informing him that she knew and that from there on wards she never wanted to stay in touch with him anymore. She forbade him to contact her again. He complied very obediently.
" I did love you, you know", Hussain said loudly from behind.
Rania paused for a moment but then continued to walk out of his house.
______________________________ END_________________________
(1739-1829) was a renowned Sindhi Sufi poet during the Kalhora era. Abdul Wahab was his real name and "Sachal" was the name he used in his own poetry. Sachu means truth in Sindhi and Sachalu means truthful. Sarmast means mystic in Sindhi and Urdu. Suchal Sarmast literally means 'truthful mystic'. 
